Alan Tegel
3 min readJun 9, 2020


All I have is what my parents taught me. Some jobs are the responsibility of the family and not owned by a single person. When I was growing up I had responsibilities of cleaning the upstairs floors and rooms (dusting and vacuuming) and doing the landscaping work to earn my keep. I also had to help with the dishes, and this started when I was 10. If kids give lip, I would suggest buying some frozen TV dinners, and then make a few meals for a few days in a row for you and your husband (if he picks up) and say … what eating is a person’s job … go fend for your self tonight.

What I wish I had learned more was cooking when I grew up, so I wouldn’t be so worthless in the kitchen. I believe it is important that kids from what I have done and what I didn’t do that they learn self sufficiency. The other aspect of it is for the boys, following the leadership of a woman. For the girls (and boys), also learning they can do more than society has to offer.

You are the parent and your word/rule rules the day. My intent is to share a perspective in good will with a good heart, and I will never judge because you are doing the hardest thing on the planet …. Raising children.

Times are changing with regards to custody and alimony. Certainly, if you have 100% custody you wouldn’t have the burden of it, but shared ownership would require the person with the higher income to take the larger burden.

You are welcome. I believe it is important as I am learning, for guys in non-trolling ways of course to share views so the writer has more info and perspective from another angle, and conversely so others like myself can learn from the mistakes and issues that others go through.

As for your husband, he needs to gain confidence in real things. If he can’t talk to you, suggest he find a men’s group to talk too, a therapist, a priest/religious person …. someone …. I was born in Cleveland Ohio, lived in Indiana, and travelled and spent considerable time in the Bay Area, the Seattle/Redmond Area, Chicago and PA/NJ areas …. I now live in Texas near the border of Oklahoma (Texoma area).

Your husband if you moved is living in a foreign area, feeling he can’t provide, and feeling lost. I am 100% sure the lack of confidence probably causes intimacy issues and if there are it may not be 100% connected sex but transactional blow off steam type of passions (assumptions which may make me an asshole but I am guessing given the anger you both maybe exhibiting).

You may want to drop a line to him (a note, an email, or something) and state you are worried about him. He sounds depressed, and you are worried he might do something drastic and you love him and you want him to be healthy and happy. Let that sit and see if he comes back to you or see if you see a change.

I know time is tight, but one thing that might be a good thing to do together is learn to give each other massages. Lock the door, and learn to touch, talk and grow together. Making a competition of making the other person relax maybe the best competition of all.

Be well … and like I stated … my intent is nothing but to help and not hurt or scold or shame.



Alan Tegel

Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.