All of this. I am a survivor of this madness, and it made me want to end myself. But the thing is I am far stronger than that demon, he lost.

Stoic walls reverberate the internal pain, and when added from outpouring of trauma from his partner gets amplified in the most horrible ways.

I cringe when people toss toxic masculinity around, but what I won't do is gaslight and say it doesn't exist because it does.

It is a tarpit that bind pain and trauma to the soul and sucks the life out of men.

story:

I have struggled with some aspects of intimacy with my partner, and I still work hard on this daily. A few years back we were close to completely ending it.

We have had friends (women) over and one was flying in from Australia. She is very attractive, and I don't remember what was said but I allude that cheating seemed like a good thing to do.

She hit me. Did I retaliate? No. I will never raise my hand to a woman because the damage I can do with my size and strength will cause damage.

We reconciled and I apologized for my comments, but I stated if she touched me again like that it was over. She never did and she has anger issues.

If I didn't do therapy (was in the process of it), I would be exactly like what you write about soaking in a bottle of bourbon feeding the stoic walls.

I fixed myself and still do, but while the pain that women as a whole far exceeds what men deal with.

The thing is life is about balance (yin and yang), that means a few men's pain equals the whole of woman's pain. Picture that hell to be privileged, strong, assumed to be the king of the hill, and to be laughed and mocked and questioned (gender and sexuality) due to abuse. Then having society purposely not teach men how to communicate with words, and to feel leaving only two emotions anger and lust.

Would want to be equal to that hell?