Don't ever quit. Don't you dare. I noticed in your writing there were awkward pauses, and was worried that things were not right. So (community of folks that have empathy), reach out to Yael and give her a word of kindness.
If you feel like you are beaten, remember this, if a guy with my history can survive so can you. You can do this and fight for the light.
Write, read, and build a new set of skills to help empower you. You also need to love yourself, and I know you have zero interest or juice to do it.
But you have to love yourself and you need to surround yourself with friends and reach out and do what you can to grow.
Fight for you. Like I stated, for years I didn't believe I was a man, since my sexuality was tied to my gender it was destroyed also. My partner and my parents got along zero. I drifted, I drank, and the only positive thing I had was self love.
It was dark AF. I never stopped fighting. I found out I was pansexual with demisexuality (hope to tear this wall down). I figured out I was a special kind of man, and I rebuilt it.
I also deal with the deep desire to be a dad, that I know won't happen unless I adopt. See the issue I have is of course as a "man" I can have sex with a younger women which increases the chances, but you know what.
I love women my age or those who are more mature. Their brains, their drive, their alpha/leadership, all of that excite me. A pretty package while pretty too look at .... doesn't do it for me. So yeah that view leads to feelings of loss too.
I then decided that my child is my relationship that I have, and I connect best with humans with a strong feminine presence.
So fight for you, you are worth it for the women I communicate here on medium are fantastic representations of the best women I have seen.
They are the anti-Costco Karens of life .... they are what make men want to be "real" men.