Yael, I am as far from what I would term "new age" style of belief, so if any of my friends from my past heard me now, they would say "WTF Al did you lose your mind? Are you have a midlife crisis?"
The answer would be yes and no but yes. I realized that my first 1/2 half of life really wasn't life, and I needed in my midlife to adjust due to past trauma causing a crisis in my soul.
I am blessed to have found a life coach partner and therapist of the most awesome kind (privacy so don't ask for names). This person talked to me about using visualization and breathing and other relaxation techniques to deal that I am a very Type A and very aggressive masculine person. Do note, consent and respect are #1 always, but that still doesn't make me a man that will take charge "hard".
So between this person's work "and" my attempt to harness my masculine sexual energy, which I have shared is "very very" strong.
What I found was beyond surprising, the raw energy I had (now on day 26) I can't describe. It powered me through a severe reaction due to a shot, allowed me to push on exercise for 20 minutes. Huh? My body exhausted had nothing left, and lets say I thought about some sexual fun at the end of the tunnel and holy hell ... off I went (turbo boost).
On the more subtle side, the fighting (and I mean fighting of not releasing) is starting to train my ability to look at the thing I love the most in life (women and feminine spirited individuals) and see the pure beauty and joy in the simple things a person is. This is more then just the packaging of the person, this is the clothing, the actions, what they do.
It allows me to like on a truck engage it like 4x4 through the muck of life. Platonic love and Sexual Love, which allows me to share the raw energy (my masculine essence) in a safe way (and if a person/friend/etc consents) share deeper and with a full warmth that will make a person feel good and respected and cared for as a human being.
If that friend was in my neck of the woods, I could easily transfer this energy through a simple clothed and loving massage. Win-Win right!
What I am learning also (thanks to the awesome therapist/coach) is maybe when I truly heal, I won't need my "glass" boy but I can have full and pure energy ... that means no stoic walls, just me ...
That means pure openness and love for the people in my life, and that also means if that happens, that the person must also be able to interact with an evolved man with pure and sacred and mindful masculine energy.
I love this evolution, and I can't wait to finish my healing and repair of my body. This will destroy the fear demon sucking my body positivity.
This energy has empowered my writing and I am finding things about my masculinity that are very very interesting, and for a person that I trust at a low level with intimacy. It is very powerful and god(dess) help the woman/person if I am hard focused on them and the curiosity and the respect and protective nature
I am glad you are learning this, and I hope you realize as you live and love with how you act and react. You act with love and goodness. If bad things happen, don't push a patriarchal view on your actions, if you do, you will enter into the tarpit I lived in for decades.
It is a horrible and awful place to live. Don't do it.