Judith Valentijn I am going through this exact process in relationship right now. I am well aware of the issues I have and trying to make sure I have resolved it, but there is always the damage from the years to deal with.
I sense at some point when I feel I have adequately resolved the issues, and discussion have been had where the relationship is deficient, I know a major inflection point will come.
But until then ... fixing my damage, being able to communicate where her issues rely and giving her the chance to fix, deal, or deny them with the discussion about solutions.
If an empasse occurs then I know a change is required, but if it can be fixed fantastic for that is how relationships work.
Congratulation on fighting the demons in you and around you for it isn't easy. You are right (e.g.) in my areas there are communication and intimacy (sexual) incompatibilities that need either to be fixed or she will need to allow the outsourcing of my desires elsewhere and have zero jealous or shame.
CIS-het relationships are probably the hardest things to achieve on the planet, but with great risk comes great rewards. Do also note, this is not downplaying non-binary partners and the awesome asexual and homosexual brothers and sisters either. Bonding two souls is not easy work.
As a reference, I am a CIS white male pansexual with demisexual tendencies (working on that aspect).
For you to realize this speaks volumes of you as a person … be well and great article.