I am sorry life served you many shit-man sandwiches over the years. I can’t empathize your pain but I am sorry you never found the partner so far on your life’s path or a series of relationships that allowed you to heal and be whole while being the awesome you. The pool of men in today’s society for heterosexual women is pretty bleak IMO …
As for me, I know a person who I truly and deeply cared about follow this path. I was at an apex point in my relationship (was about ready to end it … even to the point where I was ready to say done). That day the person provided advice don’t leave her for me leave her for you as that is what is important, and then I questioned everything one last time.
From there … it was a downward spiral. The bigger point was I was open and honest and forthcoming about everything, and during that process. Talked to abuse I had dealt with, released my meToo moment, and started to unravel “everything”. However, I believe the miscommunication and because I didn’t end it (and she was in a committed relationship) made the situation “unreal”.
I still care very deeply for her, but I know it is a dead thing. The best thing I did was draft an apology email sent it and de-friended because I wanted to be fair to her and respect her wishes of not being friends. There was obviously expectations that I misread, misunderstood, and definitely miscommunicated. I also let her know anything that was personally shared was “deleted” so she had the peace of mind knowing anything personally intimate was gone.
I took the step to work on me more in the areas I was weak and wrong, and started on self improvement in the areas I screwed up with her and in my current relationship. I also worked on making sure I was the most authenticate male I could be and to be the best I could be for my current partner and if it at some point it doesn’t work out. To be a real human being as a man, and deal with it by working to fix the issues or ending it amicably.
Life is hard. As a man, I can’t sustain life as a woman can, but I can create it and nurture a relationship which is like bearing a child.
Thank you for what had to be a hard share for you and you are a wonderful human being for articulating your pain and opening yourself up (Again).