I feel you as this is exactly how I felt after I tried to have sex with my partner (woman).
I empathize (truly I do), and I wish I could lend you part of my male sexual energy flame to relight your soul that has been tarred dark and damaged.
Understand and appreciate you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are kind, you had your humanity stolen from you.
This is not about you. For me, I called it my glassy boy. It was pulverized into silica dust and placed by the dark abyss guarded by a dark passenger that took joy in slaughtering anyone that tried to help.
My internal female warrior won the battle one day and it took decades to heal. I hope you win the battle. I am holding a finger that says Go Team Elliot.
I am healed now after 25 years, and now I am repairing the damage from booze and denial.
I became a feminist, and that was the missing piece.
Love yourself, I know it is hard, but you are beautiful don't forget it.
Hugs to you