I used the toxic culture of masculinity when I was younger to deal with trauma and due to the fact the training and society (90’s) had a very specific view on masculinity. Even with as bad as it was, everything I did was consentful and respectful, but my mental views and thoughts and images were far from it. Those memories I cringe at with words that can’t be described.

This *is* the first time I have seen a human being that is of the female gender describe this invisible but deadly partner to toxic masculinity.

If a women is repelled and doesn’t believe it immediately, congratulations you just acted like a “nice” or “good” guy that does the same for toxic masculinity.

Both have to be talked about in the same volume and quality and quantity of each other, otherwise, conversations “stop”.

My simple view as a new feminist male is this. Toxic Masculinity is the equivalent of the mean girls genre one sees in high school melodramas. Other fine examples would be the broad based and bad generalization of gold diggers and bimbos, but even those are overly simplistic.

I just had a situation in my personal life (non-trauma / non-critical) where a solid conversation went a stray about talking about feelings and gender and love. Grey’s Anatomy had an episode where Maggie found a suggestive SMS from Jackson with the heart emoji. It led to a discussion about talking and feelings and emotional sharing between two people, and it brought up about the past relationships. I as a guy was trying to detail the nuance of what Jackson was saying, while my partner stated the core obvious comment he still loves X, and ignores his current partner so he is a dick end of story.

My very traditional partner trivialized the man’s emotional sharing and expansion with a toxic bat of expectations and saying you can’t have a friends hip with a women because all you see them for is sex.

Men albeit poorly attempt to expand and be better but lack the tools and practice to see. In this instance, I shut down (my capacity isn’t there “yet”) and we went and did our separate things.

Toxic masculinity (or as I suggest to those that want to use this reference) toxic culture of masculinity as implied, needs to also show the counter feminine version so men can compare and contrast. Women and a lot of people say WTF you idiot don’t you get the nuance we are talking about we aren’t talking about all masculinity. Well, when you have a person that has spend years and decades understanding the nuance and becomes a Ph.d in it, and then it is used on a person with an elementary grade school view on it … what does one thing will happen?

Just by the act of shutting down and shaming the person, reveals that the person is toxic in a situation that isn’t.

Thank you again for being the first person that has attempted to discuss this. IT is deeply appreciated. As you do this, for me since I have spent the time, I will be using patriarchy and toxic masculinity more in my discussions with men.




Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Alan Tegel

Alan Tegel

Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.

More from Medium

[S1 E6]: Watch What Happens Live: Twitter Special with the Real Housewives of Beverly Beach

‘After Ever Comfortable’ Film Spoilers, Air Date, Forged Information, and Extra

Eyeball Planet