“It was a strange morning and for the next couple of days, we walked on eggshells around each other before the thaw just naturally occurred.”
I would suggest you talk to him again about this, because if he isn’t into domination and humiliation or submission, it may still be with him in the worst possible way.
He is afraid to probably lose you and you have the upper hand in all things sexual.
I have read what you share and I can empathize with your position, but I also had life experiences which have allowed me to feel what your husband has felt.
Maybe tell him having cervical orgasms from her long term partner is a goal she would love for him to achieve with you. If he has a softness issue, then he can wear a strap on, or use a second dildo with penetration to help you see the light.
Your frustrations though I am not trying to downplay, since you are angry he isn’t giving his all. Your feelings though about him wasting an erection and him getting solo pleasure though also gives you a taste of maybe how he feels with the loss that comes with him being cuckolded
He does need to step up so he is not blameless, but you shouldn’t feel shame for ordering sex toys home though. Next time order it and put his name on the package. Call them daddy’s little helpers ….
I do hope and wish for your sanity and that you can go back to the barn and take some studs and get the horses out of the barn for a full ride