Jennifer Arnold, The process I have been following is instead of leaving walls up and feeding and tending to them. I have taken them down. I empowered my warriors to fight to the death and to protect what I defined as my glass boy, with minimal effects (my symbolism of Pandora’s box, female/male warrior, a red door, and one stoic wall holding back the pain to the dark abyss (for whom the female warrior can take down)
Long term, I need to realize I need none of that and just my flame of life again. That evolution of tearing those last symbols in my mind requires my equal and fierce female opposite.
So while I do that, I will unwind the damage so I can fight hard, long, and not fail. It took five years to unwind the hell, I still have one helluva of the fight, but I will fight it with eyes open.
Is it my current partner? Don’t know it may not be, and that will be another thing to process, which I will. Luckily, I have a nomadic spirit, so while I love my new home “a lot,” I am not bound by it.
I trust far more women than men, but I realize we are all fallible, and I do know for me to find an entirely trusting person. It means communicating well and fostering trust and safety in turbulent times.
People look around in 2020 and say WTF and FFS. To me, it was just an ordinary Tuesday from that fateful day in the 1990s when a woman I lusted and felt I loved told me I was a guy and, therefore, couldn’t be raped until 2015.
What I have figured out is the type of people and persons (she/they) that I need and desire. Now, I am working on being that equal partner and able to fight and be worthy and also to be able to set good “invisible-word wall boundaries” with them, and go conquer life.
I am a person who has the ability to unconditionally love. So that person I a bonded too, better be able to handle the raw power that comes with that and respect it too.
Thank you for the book references, it was very helpful! Also, thank you for the energy and time to share that it took, you are an extremely wonderful person!