Claire Divino, living in darkness with no one around, gave me the gift of appreciating the life, love and joy even if brief.
I spent a lot of time looking in the mirror asking myself, am I really a man, what is/was my sexuality? Why did this happen to me, am I unlovable?
The answer was that was the fear and anxiety demons sucking on my soul wanting me to feel bad and insecure. It is society wanting to reap and suck away your joy.
I will tell you, you are stronger, better, and well deserving of deep love. The thing is the hardest thing you have to do.
Is let go.
Think about the 3rd Indiana Jones when his Indy's father was dying and he looked down at the deep, dark hole. He had to take the leap of faith to do it.
Why it was only 18 months for me is being we never had intercourse or sex. I refused to cheat on my partner, but the emotional intimacy was so intense and hot. If I did, it would be years.
I know it is hard since you are strong, amazing, and powerful feminine spirit. You need to take a page from masculinities playbook. Build a Pandora's box in yourself, and put that person in it. Close the lid and never look back. You can touch the box, and feel its warmth and passion, but don't open it.
Your passion and desire for men is beyond intoxicating to see (platonically from a distance [respect for you]). You are a woman with desire for men, that is the reason why men fight to be better.
It hurts, it sucks, and I actually by thinking about your pain it reminds me of mine. For me to write this for you I had to hold my Pandora's box where the echos of the past rumbled the darkness behind the wall and made those evil vile creatures laugh.
You deserve the best, and as a man I am telling you that biological male didn't even deserve the time he had with you. Not even close, for his actions were a silver tongued devil and feminine sucking vampire of the worst kind.
If I as a weak and damaged man, can pull myself out, I believe you can too. I am sitting on the stands, waiving a flag that says "Go Team Claire", kick ass and take names.
I see you and other women having to walk in the shallow pool of masculinity trying to scoop up drops of love to quench of thirst, not realizing it is a mirage based on yours and other's feminine tears for men that are not.
Step away from the island of male sirens, and set your boat and love and dreams in the opposite direction of that song.
We will never meet and that is ok, but I know if we did I can imagine the amazing woman that writes, lives, and loves with the passion of the hottest sun.
Be well, a hug if you consent, and realize you deserve the best of the best. Not the fake you got hurt with.