My advice which is what I did on my trek to heal my soul. Is to take the things that anger you and excite you and flip the scripts. Since you have situations where you were the victim and hurt, turn it around so you are the one in charge and in power.

I say this respectfully and with in ill in my heart.

Take the situation where you lost your relationship with a man you cared for to a younger woman. Now envision a younger man or woman pleasuring you while your partner consents to watch (e.g. hotwife, cuckold etc)

Disturbed by objectification of women? Find stories, art, porn etc, where men are objectified by a woman in charge (e.g. female led etc)

Feel like your past male lovers have left you high and dry? Picture taking him on a trek with male chastity.

Feel like you are in bondage and in pain from men? Become a fierce domina that shares and shows them their place.

Now the big thing is, you will say I am not a monster I would never dare do that. The thing is you wouldn't because you are a strong and independent and liberated woman who respects equality and loves humans who love back.

That still doesn't mean you have a demon tearing at your heart. You need to box that demon up and whittled it down and control it and put it in a Pandora's box in your soul. You need your inner masculine warrior to fight with the feminine one. The masculine spirit in women can be the hot flame of desire. Now grant you it is a belief I have, but I think there is merit. Why? If I didn't realize my feminine warrior kept me alive and connected the boy to the man with both her hands through feminism, why can't that be possibly true for a woman? Of course I can admit I could be wrong, since you life is yours , and I do not want to assume.

So take your past desires and then intertwine them, for it will take time to heal and grow.

But the most important thing is we all are here for you as your share your thoughts, talk out your demons, and heal.

The fantasies you have are erotic and great, so the key thing is to continue every day to work on them. Make it your mission to end the day with a gasp and glee the way you want to be.

I believe in you just like all of your female friends do to. Be well.