My heart goes out to you (abuse as child and rape).
This is so f*cking awful it isn't even funny. The fact that people are this grossly insensitive just makes me cringe on the inside.
The fact that you can laugh about it and be positive, speaks VOLUMES about your love, patience, and kindness within you.
I am partnered up, but this is how I believe this should go IMO (standards bar).
As the dating process begins (whoo hoo funtime), there is a lot of talk before intimacy happens. When I would find out about this, we go very very slow.
You have to feel safe, you have to feel secure, and that means I have to know what triggers you. For some folks, they will say phht .... this is too much work (bye bye).
Those folks are assholes.
Penetration would only occur when you were truly loose, wet and safe. It would be my job as a partner to make sure those conditions are in place. It would be your job to be open and honest with no lies and always providing feedback.
Then there would be lots of foreplay and time. It means people have to learn that you have to be all-in with the relationship. For you it will require a lot of trust, and communication, but at the end of the yellow brick road. The sexuality and energy that was pent up holding up the stoic walls to keep you alive, will explode into so much fun and freedom.
It is amazing.
It is happening for me now, and I can't describe how awesome it is.
I hope/pray/wish for you to find the sledgehammer to get the trust and love and intimacy you desire 1000x over. Remember you are amazing because you have survived, and you haven't hurt another soul.
This makes you an angel in humanity