My observational view on the topic, spun off of the AQI
I learned about this when I moved to Texas. I actually felt like I was "home", but then surprise surprise, did I not realize Texoma had a surprise for me.
Air toxic to me, so pure beauty of trees and grass that would inflame my lungs and cause allergies that I could take a single pill (like Allegra-D) and boom I was solid.
The hard thing to realize was that the 100-110 days which would be perceived as "horrible", were the safest days for me to be out.
So from this view every light and perceived good has an equivalent dark and perceived evil.
The things is, neither of those things are good/evil, they are just energy and life.
What was the lesson involved? You have to manage actively your environment.
I got HEPA filters that purge the air down to 0.3 microns. Literally I can feel the difference on my lungs when I swap out dirty pre-filters for clean ones. I have 6 cats and 1 dog in the house on a farm. You want to know dirt? You betcha. It is filled full after 2 weeks maybe 3, and I have to swap out the main filter every year. The pamphlets say 1-3 months for pre-filter and 2 years for the main filter.
I do the work on that. I also "manned up (snicker)" and got a GP and a doctor to fight the battles. I actively manage my health with gadgets and use my tech and analysis skills to monitor me.
Lesson learned, when shit got evil, fight back with action and live to love and be around on the planet.
It forced me to get therapy, become a feminist, and purge the toxins from my environment of toxic culture of masculinity and male fragility.
All this from AQI that was bad for me (to the tune of 2000-3000 PPM ... yes Texoma is that rich in nature and life ...
So my kind advice that you can throw in the corner and say phhht Al ... whatever.
Embrace and love your "kids" and write down all the good stuff that happens. If you feel bad, write it in another journal of bad things and maybe chuck it to the recycle bin "or" burn it. I know that isn't a good environmental thing to do ... but it maybe a good thing for your soul.
My Dark Apocalypse poem, if you read it talks about the dark abyss substance. To me in my interpretation of your words, it is that that is on your soul, not a shadow.
Your soul is bright and beautiful and amazing. The toxicity of men and women and patriarchy and all that vile "shit" is the haze you see around you and your eyes.
It is not your evil presence, but that is my interoperation and I won't impose my belief on yours.
Be strong and be independent and be liberated. Think of your self-love you and all other women do as an act of rebellion against the vileness in our society against wild and wonderful and willful women like you.
Fight Yael Fight. I am rooting for you! It is also why your dreams and fantasizes are not weird. You need it to heal fully, but you don't. You can make it happen with the love in your heart and the work you do with your hands.