Oh definitely (Patriarchy). The ah-ha moment for me was being able to depersonalize and decouple the male orientation and intent of the word from my individuality since it literally was 180 from “me”. That took therapy and time, and some folks don’t get that.
The core issue from going from here “to” over there (if we were in person I would have pointed at a tree to our left at a distance to another tree to our right, is in this framework …. you have to use violence to end violence.
It is akin to a chemical fire getting stopped by dropping a bomb on it completely starving all the oxygen from it. The problem is there will be mass casualties, and the people executing it are forever damaged mentally and physically.
So take this “horrible” event, by branding it an evil (and the act was atrocious on so many levels) and disempowering the systems and the people for the bad actors …. you make the system less effective in dealing with the true criminals.
But to be honest talking about the bad things that might happen isn’t a solution. We need solutions.
So if I was in charge, I would set up a federal funding program to train and hire all women and minorities to role into security and police type roles where it was a 75%/25% mix. There would be no police unions and it would have full civilian oversight. I would also make sure girls in middle and high school were taught self defense training first and conversely boys would be taught the softer skills. The boys would also be trained self defense but would be taught by the girls and women in charge first.
Do this for a set time frame before removing it completely (say 20 years).
In schools where boys drop out by the hundreds, no child would be ejected from school, and instead they would go to school year round and be kept back if they had social issues.
The big point is a lot of social condition with chain of command would need to be done in a very smart way. Otherwise, a lord of the flies situation would occur.
I do feel for you as you deeply care for your friend and if you are as empathic as you sound from your writing …. the feeling you must be feeling for him must be very intense and requiring a lot of your soul to process (especially for the victims on top of it).