Please don’t downgrade your pain and feelings, your hell is as bad as it comes and the fact you fight for the light means you are strong and wonderful and beautiful.
If you have been social distancing as you have described, you are NOT the threat. Your sister and the kids and family are. They are the threat.
Also, don’t allow your family members to weaponize the virus to hurt you. I have allergic asthma (and FFS when the Sahara Dust hit Texas … I felt it and my god did it hurt). As such, I catch COVID-19 there is a good chance I may not be around to write to you and the others.
That being said …. I still grocery shop, shop, and go and do things. I am not scared, nor should you be. Let me hold your virtual hand from a distance and say … no …. we will not die, we will not step back and we will not succumb to fear and doubt and the trauma that others impose on us. No No No No ….
If your family doesn’t want to receive you love and compassion that is their fault and their issue not yours. I know it may hurt since my god(dess) you have so much love to give and not able to share it is an insane torture it makes me want to cry with you.
On that … set schedules and if the family doesn’t want to honor it … it is their fault and loss (and trust me I feel in my heart the pain you feel from the loss) and you should learn that you should not absorb their fear into you.
As for your father …. No. Don’t do it 100%. He literally is assuming and presuming that since you don’t have a family he is entitled to your space and time and is demanding you give up your life for him.
You should tell your family, that you are unable to handle the stress of care giving and are incapable of dealing with this. As they have family and children they already know how to maintain this work, so they should setup a schedule to move your father around month to month.
My family did that with my one grandmother who was ill but not ill enough to go into a home. The three siblings setup a room in each of their houses and negotiated the months in a year to ensure that one sibling would have two months off to every month of care. If you wish to join and help out, then this could be a way as a compromise to handling this.
But honestly no …. Yael … this is a recipe for disaster. If you are interested in finding love with a partner and having your required alone time … having a man who refuses to take care of himself … foisted on you … hell no. This is masochism and I worry for you.
As for your sister … I believe she is worried for you and her children. If we use a side example of that guy at the bar that is so thirsty for sex and attention and intimacy that he turns off every woman he approaches, this maybe how you are appearing to her. I am not there so I can’t judge or provide valid feedback. All I can do is imagine.
The reality is no matter how deep and dark the thirst is …. You are an amazing woman who from her writing would never hurt the person she wants to love. Your capacity to want to want to love and actually love are so powerful and amazing …. you would actually harm yourself before harming another.
I know this view in the mirror. I used whiskey, bourbon, vodka, and scotch in copious amounts every day. I wore masks to hide the ugliness I had on the inside. When I was on the road and when I felt a business woman grab my ass or thigh and gave me a smile I drank more so I would not be in a place to deal with it and I was kind and nice in response in saying no. But then I had to go back to the hotel and use porn and take care of myself down a rabbit hole to stay loyal to my partner …..
I get the suffering … I thought about ending things too when I stated I couldn’t be a man …. but there was always a voice in my head so no I don’t want to disappoint God and my family. I have a partner whose business would end financially if I don’t support her, and since she had every person effectively abandon her …. doing the same would send the same message that she wasn’t worthy of love ….
So please don’t go dark on us all. You are too amazing …. too beautiful … too smart … and I say this respectfully, because I don’t cheat and I am loyal …
Go listen to the 90’s song by Sophie B. Hawkins (“damn I wish … ”)because I know I see this, and there are so many other women and men out there that feel the same about you. Pick yourself up … and be strong …. all of your friends are here and we are rooting for your happiness and love …
If you feel doubt … listen to the song … because you deserve that and you will get that once this virus has passed ….
