Removing our internal walls based upon implicit training from society is the first thing one needs to do to set themselves free, and to also understand what they truly want in sexuality, intimacy, definition of their gender and finding a partner (if desired) that compliments both their feminine AND masculine spirit.
It has been discussed at great length about toxic masculinity, but there is also the same twisted and nasty partner of toxic femininity. The fact that folks don’t take the time to define the harsh and toxic cultures with in female space at the same length and volume says there has to be some insidiousness happening there.
The reality is this exploration has little to do with that and can be a topic for another time.
You are looking for true intimacy and bonding with another human being (period). The path you tried with society and from your raw lust has not led you down the path to success, so instead of taking the same tried and true path it would be wise to find that hidden path in the woods that might find the hidden spring (lets call it the sapphic path).
Does it mean you are not heterosexual? Absolutely not. People can adjust to what they need based upon shortfalls and thirstiness in their souls. You are in desperate need (similar in the same path as a shared electronic friend Beth (onsex)).
How I came to understand this was trying to rectify why given I had been raped I desired to be taken (pegging) by a woman. I also had to learn how to rebuilt my internal glass boy with the male sexual flame together so I could love and and be whole with the my strong masculinity spirit that had been knocked down time and time again. I learned to expand what I found attractive and realized, my strong masculine spirit desired a strong feminine spirit who also had a very strong independent masculine spirit.
So (I took the advice from therapist), I started reading up and understanding about transgendered human beings and realized there was a lot to love and get with folks who biological view and spirit view differed. It was then I realized wow that makes sense. It isn’t the pure biological or pure sexual binary view that I needed. I needed a very special human being to compliment my uniqueness too.
For you …. finding women attractive is definitely an ok thing, because as your friend asked why .. to me I see a picture image of myself saying … I am thirsty for intimacy and love and compassion and their sexuality and gender is a restriction that really isn’t important on that pursuit. The soul in the person is. To be able to release the pain, feel the pleasure, and be able to fall asleep at peace is what matters the most.
So a lot of my erotic and exotic thoughts are all around empowered and strong women, and transgendered women and doing acts that switch roles from time to time to allow my soul the ability to breath and expand and contract based upon what life gives to me.
I see those patterns in your writing in this story.
Heterosexuality isn’t toxic, but how people judge and act and treat one another and how we define borders around it does.
So go find that shared loving and bonding experience with a woman, since you have found that there aren’t many men at this time that can harness and gallop along in the woods at night under the moon like wolves being set free.
Like I have told my partner in the past if the situation was like that, I will tend the home and the fire so she can play and get what she needs when I can’t provide. I just hope that she feels safe enough to come home, and possibly if she brings her friend know I won’t kill or maim her or her friend.
That is the definition of love in my opinion.