Thanks to an awesome therapist, I realized something critically important before I put the abuse by a female babysitter (she was 14-16, I was ~7-8).

I found my desire to pleasure and take care of my female partner has been always there as the first thing to do with intimacy. I believe you can see it in my poems and more so in my erotic ones.

Later when starting to unpack the rape I had in college (male on male), my question was not about anger but "why".

I am taking away from that the desire with consent, respect, and love what it would feel like to be taken by my female partner.

The other fun thing I learned is how the body and mind uses sex, pleasure, etc to thread around hate and pain and darkness to neutralize it.

I wish I had done this earlier, but then on the flip side would have I met awesome people like you and so many others on medium? Probably not.

Be well ... and enjoy the cooling from the hot Texas heat!