Kerry McAvoy, PhD the poem represents an amalgamation and convergence of many topics. We have had discussions in-depth about this masculinity and sex. Also, there I have observed conversations on twitter and Facebook as usual that just was so chilling to observe.

If you use Facebook and search for my name you may see a post I did from Dr. Nerdlove from a male point of view about everything we have talked too.

Lastly, a close friend and I had tremendous conversations that were amazing and another female writer crafted an amazing short story that rocked me to my core (not in a bad way).

I had a lot of feelings and emotions. What may be hard for some folks that are just seeing my writing and thoughts here on Medium, is what I am doing is the summation of five hard years of work and therapy and time.

I was highly damaged, and now I am working hard to trust, be open, be authentic, and trying to share my masculinity which I hold very dear to me. I realize that gender does not really truly matter as it is the person.

But for me personally it matters very deeply, because, mine was so broken by others and the neglected it nearly changed me to one of those with "dark eyes". Literally 2016-2017 was a point where I could have swung either way. If you believe in God and are Christian, the new testament story of Saul turning into Paul might fit.

My Pandora's box holds two lost soulmates love, rape, and sexual abuse as a child. My dark Abyss holds 22 years of numbing, avoiding, doing crazy shit, but not succumbing to hurting others (stoic wall), but that doesn't mean the rage and the scars don't have a deep dark well. I know if my loved ones are near death, or violence will come to them. I can tap it and go do whatever it takes.

The moral of the story is this was me processing all the emotions and directed into a poem.

I actually typed this all while filling three 200 gallon water tubs out in mid-day on my phone. I did edit it in the cool house, because at 97 in the sun ... not fun but it actually kind of fit.

Personal Share / Might be disturbing:

What saved me as a man, as I arrived at a college party to get laid, do some weed, and get drunk. Party was going on and one of my friend's girls was ready to cheat on her boyfriend because she caught him and said fuck this .. I need to be laid.

While I was on my way to the room where she was, I heard a girl screaming behind a closed door. It was not a sex scream or heavy play. Something goaded me to open the door up and I saw a college guy raping a woman. I saw red (dark Abyss), and proceeded to beat the hell out of him. The beating was through enough the girl who was bleeding and scared pleaded for me not to kill him. Her voice stopped me from doing it because I released my rape on to him.

The house was a two-story house, but it was actually built into a hill so it was like 1/2 a story. I picked him up and threw him out the window, and then I left.

From that day, I vowed never to own a gun, because the rage in me with violence toward women I knew I could not process it. I know with my strength and power in close contact I can do pretty nasty things.

I now believe I have done enough work to be able to process this kind of violence without the use of violence. That being said on our farm in Texas we really should have a gun to deal with the coyote, but we don't. We actually had an animal with rabies that we hand trapped, which of course the game warden was like why didn't you shoot it. I didn't want to go into this, because I stated we are 100% sure this thing has rabies, but you better test it.

I have danced with the devils, and what disturbs me as I watched people devolve from 2016 to 2020. I see those same dark views and harsh words, and people without real hardcore trauma and this being their first taste of real-life and death (COVID), and they are just being sub-human.

So all I know is I have fought the demons. I am a man. I am human, I am still learning how to process everything "again". What is hard is I have effectively wound back the clock past the traumas and now am whole. Still have lots to learn, but I know what I want and how I want to live now.

Now just to repair from the decades of damage as a man, but obviously I will stumble, fall, and make mistakes. I do wish to live openly and honestly and communicate with love and vulnerability to everyone that is wholesome and good of heart.

I want to be that man that stands back up from the dead. I am no saint, I have many chapters in the book of me; however, I am all-in on sharing every page and footnote with people that ask for I will not hide behind a mask. The only mask I will where is P100/N95 ….




Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.

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Alan Tegel

Alan Tegel

Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.

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