Very heartbreaking. My first foray into sex was to be tied by a chair by an older teenage female baby sitter, then made hard, and then she used a belt on me when I had to tell when I felt it "tingle." I could never orgasm from oral or hand, and only intercourse and prone masturbation. It took therapy, becoming a feminist, and some really close trusted friends to help me get over the hump.
A few years back, I broke down the wall to the hand variation, since prone masturbation was very damaging for sexual intercourse.
Then in college (I am a big guy), I was raped while unconscious, and I came to it (search for My share last year with my medium name).
Let's say. My sexuality got messed up in so many horrible ways, but the capstone to the last mess. I was coming clean to my feminist girlfriend at the time, and she stated I couldn't get raped and wanted it. Why did she say this, I had an ED moment due to the fact I was raped.
So with that out of the way, I feel you 110% I met up with my current partner, and we have had an LTR. Why was she interested in me? She heard I was wild AF and very sexual, which I was. The more crazy things I did to numb myself from the pain, the more I turned into a demisexual.
So now, I can't have partnered sex unless I have a connection with love. Sounds like a dream right for some women? Well, god, help you if you have arguments in a household because, perversely, the woman becomes the man and the man the woman presuming a traditional gender and sexual role.
So I am a loyal AF guy. I was on the road for over fifteen years and had a very outgoing personality and am not offensive physically. I have had women in bars grab my ass or thigh and signal they wanted more. I politely turned them down but was highly charged, but not to the point where intercourse would happen. So masturbate to maintain my sanity and self is something I had to do.
I recently realized the pain that I underwent, ramped up my sexuality, and horniness to self-medicate the anxiety and sadness I felt. It was my body's way of healing itself.
The problem in today's society, for quite a few people, sex is now a mutual masturbation experiment and has turned purely transactional. There is nothing wrong with doing this, but in the long term, it isn't healthy if one wishes to bond with another human being. This is my opinion, of course.
Now, of course, I am not going to mansplain :), since you are far my intellectual superior on this topic. Still, I can tell you without self-love and pleasuring myself I would not be here right now. My therapist stated with what I have gone through, she is surprised I survived and thrived and didn't commit suicide. She was blunt and focused because I needed to know this to gain the confidence of what I achieved as a person.
So my advice is to try to incorporate self-love, even if it isn't the same as partnered sex. Treat it like exercise and lose weight to lower blood pressure, or improve cardio function. There are benefits from the hormone release that is well documented.
Now, as men and women age, I have observed something interesting and ironic. Women should read fewer romance novels and use more pornography that is acceptable to their beliefs and mores. Men should use less porn and read more romance novels.
When it comes to self-pleasure, the reality is men should be more chaste to capture the raw male sexual energy and have it ready for a mate. Women should practice self-love like horny schoolboys, since it reduces anxiety, relaxes them, and takes the edge off.
This is my bartender like advice to someone far better trained in the psychological sciences. Intelligent, independent, and intact women should be free and liberated and not bound by societal chains.
If religious morals matter, remember God wants us all to be happy, and self-love was given to us from him/her to be satisfied. Also, practicing self-love makes sure that one can keep their boundaries and redline intact and not just give in.
You are an accomplished woman with style and grace. You should take the time to love the amazing person you are. Luckily nowadays, there are fantastic toys and other things to help make the pleasure much more realistic. On medium, there are excellent writers and body positive women that can provide the advice only women know how to share appropriately and correctly.
Embrace the beautiful land powerful feminine spirit in you and work it out, but understand I will never shame you for your choice either. Your body and your right, and your decision is the only thing that matters in your Queendom!
I am sorry for the length of this article, but I see an amazing person that I believe (and I am sorry if it was wrong to do so).