Very much agree with your viewpoints, and from female friends who reached out to me personally (because of platonic trust) it happens "a lot".

Men are human just like women, and there are guys in relationships with women who don't see them as objects and as human beings. In those relationships where men actually step up and do their half, it burns precious energy just like it does for women who have non-responsive partners.

I chuckle when I read the articles that state, want more sex? Do the dishes etc. What I have found as a guy that does the laundry, dishes, sweeps/mops etc. I have less energy and desire for sex after that. So after cleaning the filters and scrubbing away, how much desire does one have to play the traditional stud in the romantic fantasy of one's female partner? Not really, give me a cup of coffee and a book and let me chill. Make note, there is no peacocking of getting it done, it gets done, but while my wife chills and may feel amorous and is playing with her cat after working hard outside, and I run errands and do the shopping and bring back a meal. She may feel it, but um, after dealing with masks and people and shopping and unpacking ... yeah um no.

The thing is men do need to do those things (end message).

Men don't own the sexist and biased gender thinking crowns either. I have had numerous times where I started to make moves with my wife, or we are in the chill phase of netflix and chill, and she will say the most horrible sexist thing about something or in response to something I said and poof there it goes. That male spark of desire gets extinguished.

As for guys we have an instant spark of desire and attraction that flushes into a brush fire of desire. When younger obviously it happens "a lot" especially with new people and new relationships, but over time when the dry and hot kindling of the new gets wetter and greener due to knowledge and experience with one's partner. The spark may happen but it dies out easier. I am sure the same thing happens with women too.

Let me share an example, I felt very ready and was ready to give a nice full body massage to help my wife feel better and give her the romance and sex exactly how she likes it.

One of her cats (we have 8 in the house at some points) made a helluva a mess. She used the portable battery powered hand sweeper to pick up the mess. It didn't turn on. Why? The container was full and it wouldn't come off. She vented and ranted what a piece of shit and how she would never have bought it. Mind you she wanted one for 6 months, never stepped up (she has the names on our credit cards) and researched and bought one. I had to. I took it out of her head before her redheaded maelstrom of anger and fire (yes she fits the stereotype of a redhead welsh woman), and I carefully got it out, emptied it and it was so full I had to take a fork to get the stuff out. While she ranted about the shit small container.

Item fixed (and remember I have CAT II allergies to cats and I am handling this toxin and breathing it).

So care to guess where my desire went .... into the bin with the remnants of hair dirt, and whatever. So I took the horniness I still had and created a poem about love and sensuous passion.

https://medium.com/ipoetry/warm-sensuous-love-6da91a04d710

So women and society have told bluntly men need to speak up, but in areas of sexual engagement which talks to the verbalization men are scared even in relationships to speak due to rejection, being mocked at, societal imprinting (patriarchal training), and the other fact. Men don't have the deep discussions about heterosexual based sex.

It is funny, because while on the road, I would visit a friend and his friends in San Francisco. They were gay, I was not. One of them a transgender woman stated I see you are stressed, vent with us it is a safe space. I did, and they all agreed. They would never want to have intimacy with a woman (bias of course) because society is too brutal for men, and they were lucky to have each other where they felt safe knowing and engaging in sex (commonality).

So I agree with you 110% ,we need to talk about it, and as more equality happens (which I am happy for), more of these stories will happen for Gen X and Gen Y women, who will notice that the real reality is they are the hungry ones and need it more then then guys. Then the anger and desperation and stages of grief happen.

How to fix? If it happens or if the guy is having ED issues, and he is working on and with the relationship in a good way. One needs to step away from societies gold standard of PIV. He doesn't feel safe, he is stressed, and is in pain. The binds that hold women down with sex, are the same ones that hold men down.

A female friend of mine who I vented to in between therapists had a wise "hill people saying".

Women need to learn to not make their mans life hard, but make them hard.

As for a woman with a high drive with a man not so high, never say he has a low libido. Say he has an average one and your's is supercharged because of his manliness or some strong point of his personality. (remember men are not used to being desired "ever").

Then since this is January, ask him. Next Month at a time of your choosing, know I consent to you taking me hard and fast and sexually when you are ready. Can you please do this for me once next month, I need this.

Then once a good pattern is built, add one to make it two.

Other discussion points is to talk about masturbation and ask if he is doing it, and also state that you are ok with it, and you would love to join or watch (destigmatize it ). If porn is involved watch but don't say anything or judge even if it disgusts you (save that discussion for another day).

Normalize the release from stress and enjoyment of pleasure so the scales tilt more in your favor for more engagement versus less.

I get the hellscape, as I have been in a committed relationship for multiple decades. It isn't easy.