You did exactly the right thing. You shared your thoughts, you were clear, concise, and direct about desiring another date. What you found was a person on the other end that was not ready for more.

You might not realize it, but you just saved yourself a lot of future heartache and hers by finding out in her gut she wasn’t ready for more. Imagine you spend the next 4–5 dates dancing around this issue to find out that Nah isn’t going to happen.

The thing about equality is it goes both ways. Women should be free to live, learn, and be respected as you just did and went through. That also means there will be women that are not mature or good or there either. There will be the equivalent bad “dating” apples that may be good solo or for a one night stand but that is it. Women can be as shallow as some men too, never forget that; however, what women have had to deal with is the threat of death or safety which sounds like the fact she said no should make you understand that you are a safe person to say no to.

I know that sounds “awful”, but if you think about it. A woman that is scared of you would ghost you and would leave you scratching your head.

The problem as I see it (male POV) is the pool of decent men is out there, but men have been conditioned to be stoic and have had to not put their best masculine foot forward out of fear of being ostracized and beaten down by other men, whether through competition or fear of loss.

Dating in the current era has its differences from someone like me who came from Gen X. I do understand what negging is as I have seen it happen in the 1990s. It isn’t new. I was around a lot of groupies with football and I saw lots of things that would make some men and women in the 2010s grimace badly.

What I found because of my experience, is I never used women like my friends did, and I had lots of “transactional” sex, and a lot of times it was repeat business. Unlike my friends who would roll through the women …

Looking back I even cringe with what I did even with full consent and respect, because I know the difference between fucking just to fuck, connected sex, and connected sex with love. Trust me the latter is what folks should go for, because if the baseline for fucking is “1” and connected sex is “10”, adding in love it goes to 1000x. There is literally no comparison

But you know how it gets that good? By what you just went through, you went on a date, had some mutual ok this looks good, and then found out something didn’t click. IT might not even be you, remember this. It may be due to a bad situation, bad ex, or just a bad set of dates/conditions.

What you need to remember is confidence is sexy. Being able to read a room and then applying “assertiveness” is critical to being “crazy cool”. Lastly, being dependable and solid will make you extremely attractive to the partner of your dreams.

Women have choices just like men do. Their desires and POV are different than men, but in some ways, preferences are not tied to gender. Make sure since you are still new-ish to the game :), that you are that interesting guy, the one with cool stories and experiences, and that you can do what a lot of guys don’t know how to do. Actively listen.

By doing this and managing you and your sexuality to boot, you will find your asset value will skyrocket tremendously.

There was nothing inflammatory in your post, so it signals to me that you have the chops to do it. Just work on what fears you most, build good coping strategies, and practice practice practice and you will do fine.

If you don’t also realize fate/karma/god/goddess is trying to teach you something you need to learn, listen softly and observe.

Be well




Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.

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Alan Tegel

Alan Tegel

Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.

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