You should only check yourself when you use your insecurities as a crutch from doing the hard work of improving yourself.

E.g. I am insecure in my looks, and I see this really hot guy (or girl) that I may want to know or meet or “use for consensual fun”. If your go-to was I am not pretty enough …. (this is something you need to say “bad” Yael). If you do it, then you need to figure out what you need to do to make yourself feel more confident so you can jump over the threshold. We all observed Beth do some awesome stuff over the past week …. she made that leap and where she was being left high and dry by her partner (shame on him) she conquered and had an experience that was beyond awesome.

You deserve this and more. You are a person of value and substance. Not that it matters, but I don’t waste my time, energy and response on low value people. I have more important things to do with my life, and my level of interest or push back or conversation relates to the value.

We are all insecure and that is ok.

As a personal share, I don’t have many photos of myself “out there”. I abhor dick pics and I never “ever” expect nudes from a person. Why? My shattered masculinity and the fact I was conditioned with Catholic guilt and all of the horrible things. I was conditioned via traditional up bringing a man’s sole purpose was to be the primary breadwinner “and” to father as many kids with his wife as possible and failure to do that or have kids ….. meant I was not a man but a boy pretending to be a man.

This all came to ahead last fall with my sister and her parents where I went off on how I was tired of getting shamed for not having kids. [So yeah I ‘get’ your pain, because I am not a “man”]. Did I want kids? You betcha. Would I have been a good father … definitely … but … since I never dealt with my “shit” I would have had a failed marriage and relationship as you can’t have a dark passenger in a relationship between two people ‘and have kids’.

Guess what that did …. caused insecurity because even though I have very loving parents and they are awesome …. how I was raised marginalized me and my identity to the point it made me shrink as a man and conversely made me think I couldn’t be loved or admired or wanted or hell desired.

Most folks will sit and say … buck up buttercup … or come on get over it already. Honestly, anyone that says this truly doesn’t understand or “get it”, and they should honestly check themselves on their advice as it does more harm than good.

I found through therapy (I am no longer in it and I am living free and learning and growing) that some of my kinks and desires were all based around the handling of loss and masking of issues I saw through what feminism causes “patriarchy”, loss of identity, self-marginalization … so please understand your anxiety and feelings are real and that is ok. Just know you are smart enough, you have the looks that will make guys and girls “stop”, and you have the depth that matters.

So be proud and don’t let the anxiety demon … cull your life experience. Go be like Beth and everyone else in your feed and be the super human that is female ….. be cocky :) and most importantly be you.




Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.

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Alan Tegel

Alan Tegel

Lover of people, Texas Feminist Liberal Democrat, Horse Farm, High Tech Gadget ENFP Guy, and someone who appreciates the struggle of women and wants to help.

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