I have been in a committed relationship for several decades, and have not physically cheated on her; however, we have some serious sexual incompatibilities.
So there are times when the connection just doesn't happen, and we have chuckled sometimes that she is more like the guy (via sexual stereotypes then I).
So take that and then take the fact I have some serious trauma I am unpacking and dealing with. I dealt with the abuse of a female babysitter and successfully managed it. I started to attack and process the rape I had back in November and I didn't win on that. I did break down my walls and processed quite a bit of it, but it still lingers and it deadened me a bunch inside.
Should I have done it during the crazy months of 2020 and the election? Well, maybe not, but on the plus side with the help of my therapist it did allow me to uncouple political choice from identity, which was what I found out was huge. I even switched from Republican to Democrat this past year (back in spring 2020).
I am a fighter, and have deep wells of love, compassion, rage, and sadness. I know now that as I process through this and things relight up, I will be a man that has full control of both his feminine and masculine spirits and energy.
I write a lot about passion, sex, and love, but I also felt to be open and honest to those that follow my poetry to also show I deal with sadness that is very deep and hard.
The thing is though, I don't take it out on others. I have learned to manage it and process it effectively with not putting others down.
I don't know if I have shared this with you in the past, but here is a response I did to an article on Medium about how I came out in a larger group for the first time with #metoo (listed below)
What I will tell you is when I am with someone, I am a ride-or-die person. I also even in sexual arenas am willing to go deep down the rabbit hole also. So when those demons come ... I laugh and say ... bring it and lets dance :D
Be well.
https://alan-tegel.medium.com/my-share-from-last-year-c76be47a35aa
